Ben Franklin's Aphorisms Really Burn My Biscuits

Although it seems slightly blasphemous to admit it (Ben Franklin is a pretty big deal here in Philadelphia, and a fairly famous individual in general), I really can't stand Benjamin Franklin's aphorisms. Just because it sounds witty and vaguely inspirational doesn't automatically make whatever you say correct, even if you are old and famous, Ben! I don't care that you attended the Continental Congress or were a big name inventor/writer/politician/whatever else in the 18th century, you can still be wrong. My campus is practically carpeted in BFrank's aphorisms, and some of them (written/carved in places where I have to walk by them daily) are really starting to grate on my nerves. I'd really like to give Franklin a dose of reality.

Here are some that I think ought to be revised:

"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

Okay, maybe you've got me on the healthy thing. Still, you'd definitely be wealthier if you worked late, a lifestyle which could hardly be supported by "early to bed." Also, what does sleep have to do with wisdom? You just threw that in there because it rhymed and things sound better in threes! This isn't terribly realistic. I mean, someone keeping this schedule wouldn't have much time for socialization or much leisure activities (assuming s/he were also working on the wealthy thing at the same time) if they were going to bed so early. Of course "healthy, wealthy, and wise" doesn't exactly include "socially satisfied, entertained, fulfilled, happy, etc.", does it?

"Little strokes, feel great oaks."

Franklin clearly doesn't know anything about the logging industry. Great big burly loggers felled oaks back in his days. These days, chainsaws fell oaks. That really puts a cramp in your metaphor, huh? Chainsaws fell oaks...and any other kind of tree- Boom, take that!

"Read much, but not too many books."

Really, Ben Franklin? I don't think you and the e-reader trend would get along. Are we just supposed to be reading and re-reading our well-worn copies of the Farmer's Almanack? You obviously didn't work very hard in college. These days we have to read books- lots of them.

Of course, for all my whining, Old BFranks does have some true gems:

"He that speaks ill of the mare, will buy her."

"People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages."