Much More Complicated than Just Leap Year

I admit it: I have trouble keeping track of how many days are in each month. And yes, I did have to go look up on google to see if tomorrow is going to be March 1st or February 29th (just so everyone knows, its March 1st). What can I say? The calendar is confusing. But calendars get so much worse than our simple Gregorian calendar. Case in point, the French Republican Calendar.

French Revolutionaries decided that the Gregorian calendar was not democratic enough. So they applied reason and logic to the system and rewrote the calendar. In it, there are 4 seasons, each with 3 months. Each month has 30 days. So far, this sounds fairly good and normal. However, everything gets a little strange when you get down to days and weeks. Each month has 3 weeks of 10 days each (think of how grossly long their work week would be!). Since this doesn't quite work out to the right amount of time, there are five extra days at the end of each year not associated with a month or season (six on leap years, but there's a whole controversy as to how often there should be a leap year).

Because French Revolutionaries are fairly thorough folks, don't expect that they just forgot about hours and minutes. Oh no- they completely changed that, basing their new system on the extremely rational concept of base-ten and decimals. Therefore, each day had 10 hours, each hour into 100 minutes, and each minute into 100 seconds. As you can imagine, this system was incredibly complicated and hard to get used to, so it was dropped after only a short while.

This calendar ended up being used by the French government for 12 years. If it were still around today, the current date would be Decadi (last day of the week) 10 Ventose (Windy month, Winter season) CCXIX.

New Artwork/ Quote of the Week 2.27.2011

Another week has gone by (what?!) and it is almost March (when?! why?!), which means that it is also time for a new Artwork and Quote of the Week (whew, well I can handle that).

For this week's artwork, I picked a painting that kind of creeps me out (because the world isn't always ladies in gardens). It is a self-portrait of the American naturalist and painter Charles Willson Peale. It was commissioned in 1822 (yes, I know it seems like I'm on a bit of a "modern" kick right now...I'm sure it will pass. I promise something medieval for next week) for the Philadelphia Museum. When he painted this, Peale was already 81 years old. He believed that this work (which, by the way, is a very large 105 x 80 inches) was the most representative of him and his achievements. So here it is (and see if you can figure out why I think it is creepy):

The Artist in his Museum, Charles Willson Peale. 1822. PMA, Philadelphia.

As for this week's quote, we'll go 20th century with the English writer George Orwell (who I just discovered is actually named Eric Blair):

"He who controls the present, controls the past. He who controls the past, controls the future."

-George Orwell

Hot Babes of History: Lady Hester Stanhope

 As we all know, the annals of history are positively overflowing with hot babes. Today's Saturday spotlight goes to Lady Hester Stanhope (1776-1839). She was born to an aristocratic British family (her father was the 3rd Earl of Stanhope) and in her 20s, she served as hostess in the household of her Uncle, Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger. After his death, she was left with a fairly sizable pension (read: trust fund). However, she was bothered that she no longer wielded any power or importance, so she decided to travel east.

On its way east to Cairo, Egypt, the ship Hester was sailing on got caught in a storm and wrecked. She lost everything she had taken with her in the wreck, and as a result, had to buy new clothes in the Ottoman Empire. Hester, being a rather take-charge kind of lady, decided that she didn't want to wear tradition women's garb and veil, so instead she dressed in traditional men's clothes- turban and all.

It was around this time that she decided that she was really big deal. She consulted with various fortune-tellers and did some divination herself, saying that she found many omens that it was her destiny to marry the messiah. While I'm not really sure how I would her reacted, apparently her dressing habits/spending habits/overall behavior really impressed the local sheiks, who actually treated her as if she were the big deal that she thought she was (who knows, maybe its all true and she was a really big deal). She became known as "Queen Hester" (overdoing just a little, I think, but hey- whatever floats your boat).

She eventually got tired of wandering around the Middle East and settled down in an abandoned monastery in Lebanon. Here, she exerted supreme control on the surrounding localities, to the point where she really messed with local politics. Eventually she sank into a ton of debt and became a hoarder. Not really the world's best end, but regardless, she is this week's Hot Babe of History.

Unfortunately Named Person of the Day: Ivar the Boneless

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http://liberlexica.wordpress.com/2011/09/20/unfortunately-named-person-of-the-day-ivar-the-boneless/
Back in the good old days (i.e. the Middle Ages), last names had not yet been invented. Instead, people just went around being called their first name and then some piece of information that was relevant to them. For example: Louis the Fat...because he was fat (real person, I swear) or Thomas, John's Son (precursor to the modern Johnson). Of course, you didn't really get to pick your name, or else there would have been tons of Hildebrand the Awesomes or Guibert the Incredibles running around everywhere. As a result, some of history's characters have ended up being named really unfortunate things. Today's person is the 9th century Viking warrior Ivar the Boneless.

I var the Boneless was a fairly notable Viking leader an warrior- he ran successful raids/attack on England in the 860s/870s and led the Great Heathen Army (I assume they didn't name themselves either) alongside his brothers, Hubbe and Halfdene (also excellently named people).

Ah, but why is Ivar Boneless? Good question! The answer is: no one is really sure. There are, however, some main theories:
1) He was very flexible, which led the brilliant people of the middle ages to guess that he had no bones.
2) He had brittle bone disease. This was proposed by a person with brittle bone disease. It is unlikely, given the record of his battle/combat, especially accounts of him as a berserker that he could have had such a crippling condition.
3) He had some impotence issues. This is actually the most likely theory, at least for the name. It didn't necessarily have to be true to have been something his warriors called him. There is a long tradition of calling your war leader impotent: Roman soldiers returning to the city victorious after battle used to yell out bawdy things about thier leader.
4) He was carried on a shield by his men after victorious battle, which made him look like he didn't have legs. Which probably freaked people out and spawned the story. In this situation, boneless = legless, which is a pretty linguistically sound jump to make.

Pocahontas would not be a Productive Member of Society

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http://liberlexica.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/pocahontas-would-not-be-a-productive-member-of-society/
Don't get me wrong- I adore Disney and Disney movies, but thinking back on Pocahontas,the Disney film, I can't help but come to the conclusion that the character of Pocahontas as portrayed in the movie would be a really useless member of society.

For instance, the first time we see her in the movie, she is shirking her corn harvesting duties to frolic in the woods. In the song, "Just Around the Riverbend" she sings about how she wants to go with the flow like the river and doesn't want to settle down into a boring life. To me, that just doesn't seem like a very mature attitude, especially for the chief's daughter.

Because she simply can't stay in the village or do something helpful, the next thing you know, she's off cavorting with John Smith, who as we know, brings nothing but trouble to the Powhatans. She refuses to marry the perfectly acceptable Kocoum, who if you recall, is the best Powhatan warrior around, because he is too serious for her. Honestly, what were you expecting Pocahontas? If you want him to to go about conversing with willow trees or rolling around in the dirt painting with the colors of the wind, I do believe your expectations are a little unreasonable. Then, because of her irresponsibleness, Kocoum ends up being killed. Are you happy now, Pocahontas?

All kinds of turmoil ensues later in the film, but Pocahontas blithely continues to behave in her usual manner (she tries to interrupt a war!). It really is troubling how not helpful she is to her friends, her tribespeople, etc.

Which brings me to my point: what if Pocahontas was around today? Would she still be a duty-shirking, immature and irresponsible person, who goes around singing at inappropriate times? Well of course she would be, since modern times allows for that even more than the early 17th century. Worse yet, what was Disney promoting for children (since the movie came out in 1995, the "children" who watched it are now in the early twenties)? Maybe Disney is to blame for my generation? I think next time I want to procrastinate, I'll claim I'm channeling Pocahontas, walk to a park, and start singing (maybe I'll just hum, my singing skills are minimal at best).

PS. It occurs to me that Productive Member of Society shortens to PMS. Huh.

Really Old Dirty Words

Forewarning: Hark! Heed these warning words, for dirty words lie ahead! If ye ken that ye may be easily offended, cease yer reading posthaste! Forsooth!

The vocabulary of the English language is constantly changing, losing old words that fall out of use and adding new words from other languages and the like (ex. "Computer" and "internet", because ye olden people didn’t need those words). Personally, I’m in favor of adding words; however, the idea of losing words is a little harder for me to accept. Especially when they’re gems like these, which might have gotten your mouth washed out with soap several hundred years ago:

• ·         Slattern: noun- meaning prostitute, particularly a dirty one. Possibly the linguistic granny of “slut”?

• ·         Trollop, strumpet: also nouns, also meaning a lady of loose morals.

• ·         Swiving: verb- when a man and a woman love each other very much... they do this. Doesn't it just sound dirty?

Less bad but still old (think of them like lonely, grumpy senior citizen words):

• ·         Suborn: verb- to induce secretly to do an unlawful thing.

• ·         Craven: adj- cowardly

• ·         Prevaricating: adj.- varying from the truth

• ·         Drubbing: verb- severe beating

I know there are other great words out there that have, very sadly, fallen out of use. If you have any suggestions, feel free to comment (and if its something I've never heard before, I'll add it to the list)!

The Vatican gets Jiggy with Technology

 It is already established that I like to be a computer-desk traveler and art appreciator. My last post on this [link to second post ever] showcased Google’s Art Project. Now, two groups that I never expect to agree with each other have turned out to…agree with each other! Google and the Vatican have done something the same (first and last time, probably)! The Vatican has posted as part of its Online Collections a virtual tour of the Sistene Chapel. It is really well done, super high quality, and best of all, works on my internet and doesn’t crash my computer. If I had anything negative to say about it, it would probably be that the lighting is a little dark. Otherwise, my kudos to the popey folks over at the Vatican!

http://www.vatican.va/various/cappelle/sistina_vr/index.html

…Upon further review of the virtual tour, I’m not entirely sure this is real. It might be a very good digital reproduction, a la the graphics of Assassins Creed (whatever, I know it’s a video game- it has amazing architectural details of the Duomo in Venice. It won awards- I’m not the only person who thinks this!) I’m not sure if it being a fake image makes it more or less impressive.

PS. I like that there is singing in the background.

Nerd Runs: A Fun New Game for All

If you're getting a bit bored with your daily existence, or just need something to entertain your walking time, I have a great new game for you. All you need is a pair of eyes (I apologize, this really won't work if you're blind/visually impaired) and a sidewalk, preferably one of the university campus variety.

Once you've got these, you are ready to play. Now, the way you play the game is simple: just watch out for the nerd run. It is difficult to define exactly what a nerd run is (when you see it, you should know), but I will give you a few quick spotting pointers. Nerd runners usually posses a few qualities that make spotting them very easy:

They are running in non-workout gear- this is the biggest thing. A runner in running clothes is just a runner. A nerd runner usually has on jeans/khakis or a big coat flapping in the wind, or glasses about to fall off because of the sprinting. The point is that they are probably running to a study group they are 15 minutes early for.

Scoring for the spotting nerd runners game is easy- one point for each. In order to get your points, the sighting must be documented (a text to your partner in spotting will do). The real fun of the game lies in bonus points, which are awarded for particularly spectacular nerd runs. Things that will earn you bonus points include rolling backpacks, people nerd running while trying to read their notes, nerd running in improbable locations (away form the library, per se). I am open to any suggestions on what else should earn bonus points.

It should be noted that when this game gains in popularity, the founders are Lexi and Jess, and since we made it up years ago, we are clearly the highest scoring players ever.

Happy nerdspotting!

New Artwork/ Quote of the Week 2.20.2011

This week, I'm picking something completely different!

This lovely impressionist piece is titles, "Women in a Garden:, and is an earlier work of Claude Monet, dating from approx 1866-67. Currently held by the Musée d'Orsay in Paris. It was picked because someone requested something more "cheerful". Also, because it reminds me of springtime (which it will be soon).

As for the quote of the week, I will use one suggested to me, on the value on Classical Studies:

"Can anyone be so indifferent or idle as not to care to know by what means and under what kind of polity almost the whole inhabited world was conquered and brought under the dominion of the single city of Rome, and that too within a period of not quite fifty-three years?" -Polybius

People were Just as Dumb Then as Now

I sometimes hear or read that people these days are getting dumber. While I would say that overall today, yes, we are quite stupid, the statement that were are getting dumber is untrue. Why? Because people have been pretty dumb all along. I'll use two examples (and hey- none of them are ancient today!).

1) The Maginot Line: Prior to WWII, the French had this brilliant idea that they would build this massive fortified wall to keep out the Germans, should they decide to attack again (spoiler: they did). As great of an idea as this is (oh hey, Great Wall of China!), it didn't work out very well for them. The German, master strategists that they are, foiled the French plans. How, you ask? Oh yeah.... they went around it. Yeah, good call guys.

2) People today get bent out of shape about controversial books and such, but I think the example of H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds (1898) aptly demonstrates historical stupid. On Halloween (Halloween, people! It might as well have been April Fools...) of 1938, a radio adaptation of War of the Worlds was performed by Orson Welles. Just in case you don't know, War of the Worlds is about aliens invading and taking over Earth. The story was performed as a series of news bulletins, "covering" the story of aliens invading America. People were thrown into a panic. They actually thought that the story was real, and that they were about to be conquered by aliens. This proves something to me: a) people are extraordinarily unobservant (do you see any aliens? No? Right, that's because there are no aliens invading!) and b) people in 1938 are as dumb as we are now, maybe dumber (for the most part, we know when we're watching a fake news program).

A Thought on Springboks

Do you ever imagine yourself as a springbok (or a gazelle, whatever's your thing)? I do. And then I imagine that I look graceful as I leap from room to room. You should try it, seriously. Just a thought.

This Won't Be on the Morning News

You won't be hearing this on this morning's King 5 or ABC 6 news (or whatever channel you watch - except maybe Komo 4, because sometimes they really have to stretch the news to fill the hours), but it is relevant to something newsworthy (mostly the weather- and the weather is mostly the only reason why I bother with the news) anyways.This morning, I heard the distinctive honking of geese (I mean, really, when have you heard anything but a goose sound like a goose) and looked overhead. Amazingly, there was a whole migrating group (does a dozen really count as a flock?) of geese, going back to Canada or wherever they're from (probably Canada, that's why they're called "Canadian" geese...otherwise they would be called "Northern United States" geese or "North American" geese). For the sake of good, accurate reporting, I'll tell you that they weren't flying in "V" formation, instead they were kind of in a diagonal line (in trying to find a letter on the keyboard to describe it, the best I've got is: "\").

Although perhaps geese flying might seem like a completely normal thing to you, I know otherwise. Think about it: geese migrate at two times of year: the end of fall/beginning of winter when its about to be really cold, and the end of winter/beginning of spring when its about the not be really cold. Since I happen to know it isn't the end of fall option, that must mean...it's almost spring!!! Who needs groundhogs when there are geese? It must be going to get warm soon- the goose's biological instincts tell us so!

However, for me at least, this begs a few questions. Like, how do they know it is about to be spring? Is there one of them (presumably the leader) who is smarter and knows, and he tells them when to go (hrm, perhaps the smart-bird might not be the leader, maybe more like a kind of nerdy bird who they only talk to when they need to know when to migrate)? Maybe they all just start to feel spring coming in their bones (don't worry, it isn't arthritis- just good weather!)? Maybe one group decides, and then all they others just take off to because it starts to get lonely (I like to think that all the migratory geese are hanging out with each other for the winter). Perhaps none of them really have any idea at all and I'm getting excited over nothing.

Side note: I'm also imagining them flying up there and talking to each other via bird-intercom like fighter pilots. pwsht (radio noise) "Come in Goose Niner Zero, come in" pwsht "This is Goose Niner Zero, what is it, Water Fowl (his Top Gun-esque fighter name, duh)" pwsht "We're approaching the drop zone, I suggest a flyby." pwsht "You are not cleared for flyby, I repeat, you are not cleared for flyby, Water Fowl!"

You Gotta Touch It to Love It!

The saddest thing about art museums is that they don't let you interact with any of the objects. That being said, if you decided to go and start touching things at your local art museum, I might come careening out of nowhere screaming "get your grubby paws away from the artifacts!!!!" and tackle you. Just putting it out there.

There's really something special about being able to handle several-thousand-year-old Mycenaean pottery (in a safe environment, with clean hands). "Well, go ahead and look at the wheel marks," you say? Well, as I'm feeling up the pottery's wheel marks (small ridges that run horizontally around the piece as a result of being made on a wheel), it's impossible not to think about how those wheel marks were made by someone's hands. Someone's ancient hands- and now I'm touching it- it's like being physically able to touch the past (the real past, as opposed to that practically-yesterday colonial nonsense you can go traipsing through around here).

Now, when it comes to touching things touched by other people (railings, elevator buttons, door handles), I'm not super keen on sharing germs. But before you go running for the hand sanitizer, you have to realize that there's no comparison between handling regular things in our everyday environment, and say, Mycenaean pottery, manuscripts, and medieval monastery capitals. For one thing, you probably don't have the opportunity to get at these things every day. But if you ever do have the change- don't pass it up, because when it comes to art/material culture, "you gotta touch it to love it!"

A Few Suggestions for Classroom Discussions

The following serve as a fill-in-the-blank, self-help type thing for the dreaded classroom discussion. For those of you in math/science/whatnot, who have no idea what I'm talking about, its one of those weird things that humanities students do where they kind of get in a circle and talk about things. If you do know what I'm talking about, then I'm sure you understand that there are some general guidelines to follow so that you don't drive your classmates crazy or make yourself look like a moron.

_______ (Sometimes; Rarely; Every day) in class I have to go through the ________ (dreaded; beloved; boring) group discussion. Usually, I am completely _______ (enthralled; bored; nervous; irritated) because everyone __________ (gets a chance to share their opinion in a collegial environment; talks just to hear themselves talk; clearly read the book when I didn't). Your strategy for the discussion should be based on ________ (how comfortable you feel in the classroom environment; how much you read; whether or not the discussion in graded). After a while the conversation _______ (becomes a heated debate; is completely dominated by one person and the teacher; drops off and the room is filled with awkward silence). My best suggestion for when this happens is to ________ (chime in with your extremely well-supported take on the matter; punch the annoying kid in the face; gird yourself against the painful silence and hope the teacher doesn't ask what you think). Whatever you do, do not ________ (let it escape the teacher's attention how intelligent you are; talk if you have no idea what you're talking about...or if you're wrong; awkward laugh- you're only making things worse!).

And there lies my advice for classroom discussion. Take it as you will. Take it seriously, take it as an ode to Mad Libs, etc. But still, don't be that kid...you know that kid...don't be him/her.

My Favorite Power Couple of All Time

In honor of this Valentine’s Day, today’s post is all about my absolute favorite power couple in all of history: Justinian I and Theodora, Emperor and Empress of the Byzantine Emperor (during some really top years for the Empire, no less- spread all the way to Ravenna, Italy from Constantinople!).

Justinian (aka the Great, yeah that’s right, he’s great) was a fairly decent Emperor: he codified and revised Roman Law, was the patron of the amazing Hagia Sophia (seriously, if you don’t know what this is, you’re missing out, but you can click here for an explanation), and expanding his empire across north Africa, Italy and Spain. Pretty impressive, but his best judgment call by far was marrying Theodora, who served as his partner in ruling/potential world domination/ Sunday picnics after church for the rest of their lives.

My favorite part of the story is that Theodora isn’t exactly a blue blood. Her dad was a bear trainer at Constantinople’s hippodrome and her mom was a dancer and an actress. There were some nasty rumors that Theodora herself worked in a rather dodgy brothel. She came to some medium-level fame after performing in a play where she wore only some barley, which geese ate off her (for the record, Daniel Radcliffe, you are clearly not the first person to star in weird naked plays with farm animals). It turned out that some time in the early sixth century, Justinian and Theodora realized they both had something in common: they both liked the troupe Theodora’s dad performed in. Justinian soon became fond of Theodora, and she promised to give up her former “career” and become a wool spinner in 522. Although Justinian wanted to marry Theodora, there was pesky law banning government officials from marrying actress. However, Justinian had his uncle (Justin, emperor at the time) repeal this law so he could marry her.

Justinian and Theodora made a great ruling pair: he often consulted her for decision of the kingdom, and they can be seen shown as a powerful pair at the Basilica of San Vitale in Ravenna, Italy, and at Hagia Sophia, in Constantinople (now Istanbul, Turkey). Furthermore, during the Nika riots in 532, when over 30,000 angry people rebelled, and the governing council wanted to flee from the palace, her insistence on saying may have saved  Justinian's reign (and his life).

When Theodora died at age 50 (17 years before Justinian) in548, it was reported that Justinian wept at her funeral. For a big, tough, ruler of the Empire, I find that very touching. And so, Justinian and Theodora are my favorite power couple of all time. Have a lovely Monday!

Fan Art! And New Artwork/ Quote of the Week

Here is a lovely piece of fan art in response to my Thursday post about my traumatizing experience in the elevator. Nice copyright, Avery!

And now, since it is Sunday, it is time for a new Artwork and Quote of the Week! This week's artwork is from one of my favorite artists, and about as "modern" as I like my art to be:

This is Albrecht Dürer's 1502 watercolor, Young Hare. It always gets me how real (and fluffy!) it looks. The only downside is that since live hares make for difficult to draw subjects, the adorable critter that sat for this was definitely in hare heaven. Still, a very cool work, and at least its slightly more chipper than Dürer's more apocalyptic engravings and paintings.

As for the new Quote of the Week, I give a brief reprieve to my most hated author, Jane Austen. I loathe her, but this quote isn't bad. Maybe someone else wrote it for her.

"History, real solemn history, I cannot be interested in. I read it a little as a duty, but it tells me nothing that does not either vex or weary me. The quarrels of popes and kings, with wars or pestilences, in every page; the men all so good for nothing, and hardly any women at all- it is very tiresome."

-Catherine Morland, Northanger Abbey, Jane Austen. 1803. 

Like the WWE for Priests

I've heard a lot of interesting ancient religious practices, but this one seems just a little more special.

Near Lake Nemi in Italy, there was a priesthood called the rex Nemorensis. It is said that once, a runaway slave came, killed the existing priest, and took over his job. From then on, that's how it was done: you got the job by murdering the previous priest.

Strabo comments, "the people set up as priest merely a run-away slave who has slain with his own hand the man previously consecrated to that office; accordingly the priest is always armed with a sword, looking around for the attacks, and ready to defend himself." I can see why the presiding priest might have something to worry about. Ovid notes that the rex Nemorensis "holds his reign by strong hands and fleet feet, and dies according to the example he set himself." I guess that's a really nice way of putting it. Ancient sources seem to agree that this was a very unusual form of human sacrifice, and perhaps, the runaway slaves who challenge for the position must be very desperate men indeed.

Still, I'm imagining priests going at each other WWE-style (technically incorrect, since they apparently had swords), with some priestess of Diana sitting there shouting them on. Because I like pictures, here's Lake Nemi from a 19th century engraving:

Fun for the Stark Raving Mad

What to do on a lunatic's day off? Well, there are street corners to sit on, people's windows to peep on, or you could go for a visit to your local art museum! However, if the voices in your head are acting up, please stick to modern art, because losing your marbles on the masterpieces in no good.

For example, take Rembrandt's Night Watch:

The painting dates to 1642 and is on display in Amsterdam. Although I'm a big fan of Rembrandt, not everyone seems to share that feeling.

For instance, in 1911, a Dutch man recently discharged from the navy attacked the painting with a knife.

Clearly, having the same idea, in 1975,  a disgruntled (probably also delusional) unemployed schoolteacher named Wilhelmus de Rijk decided to go at the painting with a bread knife. He apparently got in more than a dozen slashes before he was dragged away by guards (they must have burlier and less old museum guards in Amsterdam than America), screaming "I have been sent by the Lord!" Well alright then.

At this point, the museum decided that the painting needed constant guarding (haha, the Night Watch needed a night watch), which was probably a good choice, considering that in 1990, another man started spraying acid on the painting. Since they already had guards posted, they snatched him away and doused the painting in water fast enough to avoid damage (the acid only managed to eat away the varnish layer, not to get at the paint).

I don't know about you, but I find it completely surprising that this many people want to attack the poor Night Watch. I mean, what did it ever do to you? Nothing. Also, its not like its an extremely controversial or shocking painting.

So, please it you are on a brief holiday from the insane asylum, or if you suddenly decide that you other personality/ies despise art, please take yourself to a modern art museum (after all, some of those artists are alive, they can just whip something new up). Better yet, do to one of those outdoor sculpture installations that sit around in cities (generally, they are ugly and made of metal, so it would be hard to mess up).

Sometimes My Life is Like a Movie- a Horror Movie

I used to think that it was silly to be afraid of getting stuck in an elevator. Well, you know what- today's new discovery is that it is actually completely terrifying. Clearly, fate decided I needed a new story to write about today (or maybe fate thought I needed to appreciate others' fears?).

This morning, I hopped aboard the elevator for the normal 12-flight ride down, like I do every single time I leave that particular building. But today, the doors close, the lights flicker, and the elevator goes absolutely nowhere. Thinking I may have forgotten to press a button, I press for the ground floor. Nothing, it doesn't even light up. I press the button for the next floor up (hey- I can take the stairs), then every other floor button. Still nothing. At this point, the situation has transitioned from "huh?" to a solid "this is weeeiiirrrd, what's going on?!"

So I think to myself "alright, I'll just get off this irksome elevator and get into a different one, " so I press the open doors button. Instead of the doors opened, the mysterious elevator voice informs me "This elevator is operating in independent service." (Um, 2001 HAL much?) Great, I have boarded the demonic rogue elevator, and it intends to keep me trapped inside it forever.

So, beginning to panic, but ever the thinking-outside-of-the-box person I am, I knocked on the elevator door. Politely, because, well, it is after all a door, even if it is a slidey elevator door. Of course, no response. So now, an assessment of the situation: I am alone, inside a rogue elevator, and I can't change floors or get out. To make matters worse, the lights decided to kick up the flickering and water started dripping from the ceiling. What was water doing dripping in an elevator on the top floor of the building?! In the category of things that was definitely not right with the situation, I think that tops the list. You win, fate, you win.

Being super resourceful, I whipped out my cell phone (dear Verizon, I forgive you for every dropped call ever- you somehow magically gave me service in an elevator) and called building maintenance. Apparently there was a flood, and so the elevators had been shut down. Yes, they agreed, it was strange this one had let me on, but they promised to come rescue me. Only a few minutes later I was saved when they pried the doors open and let me free.

Moral of the story: getting trapped on an elevator, especially alone, is in fact, one of the scariest things ever. I could have drowned in a tragic elevator car flood, or fallen to my demise in the elevator shaft, or been trapped until I starved or went crazy (probably less likely). Anyways, to all of you elevator-phobic out there- I can sympathize. I probably still won't take the 12 flights of stairs to leave that building, though (overcoming fears through laziness).

I'll Take Little-Known Countries for 400

Clue: This landlocked country was officially recognized in 1993 and has a population just north of 2 million.

Answer: What is FYROM?!

That is correct! The little-known country of FYROM, or the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, is a lovely place which neighbors such tourist hotspots as Kosovo and Serbia.

There's a funny little controversy involving FYROM, mostly the "M" part. You see, Greeks are very touchy about the whole Macedonia/Alexander the Great thing, and don't particularly feel like sharing Macedonia with some upstart former Yugoslavians. Also, there's a tiny issue involving whether or not Alexander the Great was ever in what is now FYROM at all. I mean, honestly, why should they get to call themselves Macedonia if they were never historically Macedonian? Sheesh, no one does that (Washington State, I'm looking at you...we all know GWash was never out there...you're not fooling anyone). Anyways, FYROM eventually made good with Greece by adding a few more letters to their name, and now they can hang out in the UN (apparently most of the UN countries call it just the Republic of Macedonia anyways).

On a side note, you'll notice a Jeopardy-esque theme going on here, and that is because Jeopardy is looking for new contestants! You can sign up to take the quiz/entrance exam here:
http://www.jeopardy.com/beacontestant/contestantsearches/
Best of luck!

The Best Thing since the History Channel Special on the “Six Wives of Henry the Eighth”

Without a doubt, the best historical show to appear on television is Showtime’s “The Tudors”. With Jonathan Rhys Meyers as a slightly scary and much-less-grossly-overweight-than-real-life King Henry VIII of England and a whole bevy of gorgeous women as his wives, the show walks that line between historical and fictional perfectly. Okay, it runs a bit on the steamy and dramatic side, but as far as historical events go, it rarely strays more than believably far from the truth. As far as historical fiction TV goes, it has been done way worse than this show. The fact of the matter is that somehow, Showtime made gouty Henry VIII who likes to behead his wives all cool and sexy.

For the purposes of comparison, see below:

King Henry VIII (1491-1547)

Jonathan Rhys Meyers as King Henry VIII

Side note: Catherine Parr, wife #6 (third on the left, closest to Henry) wasn’t blonde. Also, she wasn’t quite the hottie-patottie Showtime makes her out to be.

Catherine Parr (I’m sure she was attractive for the 16^th century- the bug eyes and puffy sleeves get me every time):

As far as I am concerned, Showtime can make historical drama TV shows about whatever time period it wants (seriously Showtime, ask me- I’m full of great new history TV show ideas for you). The only bad thing about “The Tudors” is that historically, Henry runs out of wives and dies, so the show has to end after only four seasons. Lame, history. Lame.

Post script: Shout out to the ever-vigilant Matt for pointing out my daily spelling and grammar errors, so I can hurry up and correct them before anyone else notices. This is your public thanks.

How NOT to Burn Your House Down

As a culinary neophyte, you occasionally get something in the great wide world of cooking wrong. And sometimes getting it wrong means that the oven accidentally catches on fire and you set the fire alarm off for the entire apartment building. Sometimes. Especially when there are flaming drawers of death involved. (Note: flaming drawers of death can also be called broilers.)

So for those of you that don’t know, a broiler is a lovely way to cook things like steak, since they apply direct, intense heat to whatever you’re cooking (by way of an open flame). In some ovens, using the broiler just means you turn on the broiler setting and put whatever you’re cooking in the big, main part of the oven. In other ovens, the broiler is in what looks like a drawer underneath the main part. (I was under the impression that the “drawer” was for storing pots and pans and such. Right for a normal oven. WRONG for the second type of oven.)

As for not burning your house down:

When broiling things like juicy steaks, you have to make sure NOT to have the drawer on the top ledge, or the grease/fat from the meat will catch fire, and flames will start flicking out the side of your oven, possibly blackening the sides of your cabinets, and potentially burning your house down. I assure you the whole situation is stressful and should be avoided. Easiest ways to avoid broiler fires: a) get the normal type of oven instead of the flaming-drawer-of-death type b) don’t broil things. Not that hard, there are other ways to cook things- grilling, frying, etc. c) learn which ledge to put the drawer on. Top ledge is for veggies (less grease to catch on fire), middle ledge for fish, and bottom possible ledge for meat (although honestly, I really suggest that you just cut down the risk and don’t broil things at all).

Ed. Note: Another solution is to be a vegetarian, in which case you would not be trying to broil steaks.

And on the Seventh Day, I Rested

Day off today (and every Sunday henceforth)- check back tomorrow for new sordid tales, interesting articles, and the like!

On the other hand, check out the new things I added- Artwork of the Week and Quote of the Week! They're hanging out on the sidebar.

Terror in the Library

Fact: I am too young to die in a tragic library stacks-squishing accident. But “compact shelves” seem like they’re designed to kill.

These menacing bookshelves actually move (think of the shifting staircases at Hogwarts, but much more sinister). The way they work is that there is one open space for a whole set of shelves, and you press a button to have them move along a track in the floor.

 It seems like a decent way of saving space for those books that don’t really get read a lot (side note: what does it say about me then, that I am frequently having to risk my life in the compact shelves?). I think something more nefarious is afoot, though. I think this might be the library’s sneaky way of trying to get rid of pesky students. I mean, the instruction signs don’t say, “call out a loud and clear warning before pressing the red button to move shelves,” and I could be pressed between thousands of books without anyone knowing for weeks before the next person comes by and finds my body.

Doesn’t this scare anyone else? Compact shelves should at least have a “Danger!” sign, or they should make a buzzing noise before they start to move in order to warn people. Otherwise its Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark: Moving Stacks of Death for me!

The Joy of Cooking....err, maybe not

A couple months ago, I chanced to find an interesting cookbook. It was in French, so I can't be 100% sure about its title, but it was something along the lines of "Monastic Cooking". Given that I have a soft spot in my heart for all things monk-y, and that fact that I immediately associate all things French with delicious food, I of course wanted the book. Unfortunately, I didn't get it then, and of course, haven't seen it since.

Spurred on by the drudgery of winter and the idea of piping hot, home made food, I recently ran a search online looking for that monastic cookbook- there can't be that many, right?

Wrong! Apparently there's a whole niche market of monastic cookbooks. But if you think about it...that's really weird.

Why is it weird? Well, first off, food in monasteries isn't supposed to be good. The cooks aren't supposed to enjoy making it, and the monks certainly aren't supposed to enjoy eating it (no earthly pleasures and such). There's no meat allowed, except the occasional fish (don't get me wrong, I like fish just fine, but no chicken, pork, beef, or lamb?) and spices are strongly discouraged- in the Middle Ages, they thought the spices would incite the monks to lust (ref. Bernard of Clairvaux). I also like spices. All spices- even the allegedly lusty ones (cumin, paprika- you naughty things!). So, either these cookbooks are full of really bland vegetarian food, or they're lying about being all monastic- bummer.

Also, a thought: a lot of these cookbooks are written by a particular author, Victor-Antoine D'Avila-Latourrette (side note: awesome name of the day award goes to him). According to his publisher, he is a monk in a NY Benedictine monastery (NY has monasteries?!). According to the New York Times, he's the only monk at the monastery he opened (how does that work?). Here's the article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/04/dining/04vinegar.html

Apparently, he's also a bit of a culinary celebrity, which is seems suspicious to me. Doesn't celebrity and fame kind of go against the whole idea of monastic life? I mean I'm sure V-A D'A-L is a nice guy and all, aside from his vinegar-making, but what if he had a cooking show? Would his monk friends be able to watch it (even if they had a tv, it would probably coincide with Vespers anyways)? If he's not supposed to really enjoy cooking as more than a necessary duty, is he filled with self-loathing all the time? Or pride (oh no, not that deadly sin!)?

That being said, I didn't get the cookbook because it was written in French...and had metric measurements (neither of which I'm very good at).

Unfortunately Named Person of the Day: Emperor Pupienus

THIS POST HAS MOVED! FIND IT HERE AT THE NEW SITE:
http://liberlexica.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/unfortunately-named-person-of-the-day-emperor-pupienus/

Even Roman Emperors cannot avoid bad names…today’s unfortunately named person of the day is the Marcus Clodius Pupienus Maximus, or just plain Emperor Pupienus.

According to Wikipedia, contemporary texts tend to refer to him incorrectly as “Maximus”, instead of his family name of Pupienus. Really? I can’t imagine why.

Despite a name good enough to grace the pages of history books, poor Pupienus somehow managed slip by under the radar. Probably because he ruled during the Year of Six Emperors, 238 AD, along with Maximus Thrax, Balbinus, and Gordian I, II, and III.

Pupienus was co-emperor with Balbinus, and they apparently did not get along. The story goes that they were in the midst of arguing with eachother when the praetorian guard came in and assassinated them both. But what I’m really wondering is if Pupienus lived long enough to have children…and pass on his fantastic family name.

Who's Classy Now? The Met, Hermitage, Versailles, etc. at my Desk

Because Google doesn't already do enough cool stuff, now they do even more!

Sometimes I wish I could travel the world, visiting famous museums and eating five-star cuisine. Google hasn't figured out a way to make French food magically appear at my desk, but I'm sure they're working on it. In the meantime, they have made it so I can sit at my computer and virtually "visit" museums across the world (Seriously google people? You're awesome. Just sayin'.)

My favorite is going into the Met and mousing over the the Cloisters section (the Art Project lets you navigate the galleries via a floorplan or by "traveling" from one room to the next or with arrows).

http://www.googleartproject.com/

On one hand, this is the coolest thing ever. On the other hand...I'm envisioning a Wall-E-esque future where we never have to leave our chairs and experience culture through big tv screens. Oh, well. Sign me up for the Hoverround, because I'm hoping the Google Art Project keeps expanding. Who knows, maybe they'll include endangered historical sites (like Pompeii: http://www.newsweek.com/2011/01/03/pompeii-s-second-destruction.html) to keep them open to the public without causing further deterioration. Just an idea, Google people.

First Post

On this historic day, February the second, MMXI, my thoughts and opinions will henceforth be public. I can't really predict what I will be posting about, but it will probably be one of the following:

-My thoughts on history and art history (focus on the Middle Ages?)
-Things I've learned through the course of my daily existence that should really be shared (how to use a broiler without causing a massive fire, for instance).

That being said, if you (and by "you", I mean anyone who happens to read this...since I'm making an assumption that someone is reading it) want anything in particular to be covered (ex. my notes on the fall of the Mycenaeans) or want to share, I'm cool with that also.

Finally, a shout out to my roommate who said I should start a blog: you asked for it- now you better read it!